Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
When are your genitals available?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
