I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize