How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
