Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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