very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
