it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
