If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
