I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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