Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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