It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
false alarm, still single
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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