I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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