I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Randomize
