Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
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