Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
