I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
