there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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