Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
