my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
