so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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