My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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