you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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