I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
