I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Acid is not a monday night drug
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
