so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
