Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
