Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
