I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
