you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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