you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
