just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
