I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
