you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
