Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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