I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I didn't notice because vodka
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
