Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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