I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize
