he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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