youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
