Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
