He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
