yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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