Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
