You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
