I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
