I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize