ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
