I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
