our cab driver is having phone sex.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
