I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
