I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
