You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize