Michael Bay diarrhea
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
They took my balls.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
