Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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