ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
