The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
