Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
