I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
