I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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