We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
