Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
