i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
