Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
