I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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