I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
