they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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